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Can't
Live With
Hi, how are you? I am a 45 year old lesbian who met, and fell deeply in love
with this 23 year old lesbian online. We communicated on the net, phone, and
through mail correspondence. She and I live in different cities, same state.
We finally met after about seven months, and it was like we
had known each other forever. Everything was just as I expected
it to be, except for the small details of this being my first
lesbian relationship. We were intimate with each other, and the
love was definitely there.
As luck would have it I had to be in her city for about five
weeks, and during that time we saw each other three times. All
we ever talked about was if one or the other of us spent an extended
amount of time in the other's city how wonderful it would be.
Well, it seems as though that is where our down fall began.
Needless to say, things started taking a turn for the worse,
and we argued much too much for me. We finally mutually decided
to call it quits after about a year and five months, but the
problem is we can't seem to leave each other alone and go on
with our lives.
We continue to argue, and she more so than I, tries to say and
do things to hurt. We both are now talking with other people,
but something is still there. I can tell she wants to try again
as well as I do. My question is, is this something I should pursue,
or should I just let her/it go and move on with my life?
I have to be totally honest, I do still love and am still in
love with her. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer.
Thank you.
Elana
Elana, two people who belong together are more than the sum
of their parts. That's because they bring out the best in each
other. Conversely, when someone initiates hurtful things, it
is not a sign of love.
The problem with staying with the wrong job, or the wrong person,
is that it uses up exactly the time you could use to find out
what, or who, is right for you. Instead of moving on, you revisit
the past. It's like continuing to try on a pair of shoes you
know you can't get your foot into.
You feel love for this woman, but other things are in play as
well. When people experience the intimacy of first love, they
want to cling to that experience. Some women, for example, keep
coming back to a man who is a scoundrel because he was their
first experience. If they can change him, they feel it will make
that experience right.
There is also the obvious problem of being gay. It limits your
ability to find a partner and to openly express your feelings.
Because it is harder to be open, it makes you try harder to make
something happen. Slimmer, or more difficult, pickings means
you will make more of an effort to make it work--which is not
the same as being with the right person for you.
What we are saying is this. It looks like you are attaching
love to a woman you can't be with except in bits and bursts.
Just because you don't have someone else is not a good enough
reason to hook back up. Your fulfillment is more likely to come
from the uncertainty of the future than the certainty of the
past.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached
at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO
65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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